So I was looking at one of my ex girlfriends live journals and it brought up alot of memory's. I was just seeing how much she loved me and I loved her over and over. But we were both our own downfall to our relation ship, mostly me though :/ Like when you see a time line and shit you dont notice at the time till way later and then you have the answer you know? I was such a Dick to her cause I was so afraid I would lose her. It wasn't me worrying that I wouldn't get a better looking girl it was because I loved her more then anything In the world. I felt so much and owed so much to her. I grew up in a house full of pain and hate I had no family and few friends cause my heart was just black and red. But when I was with her my heavy heart lifted. She was my family it fucking sad I know but I confined in her I told her pretty much every thing. I felt it was going to be me and her against the world. But I was wrong in the end, I moved 11 hundred miles away from her to socal. It was hard on her and she couldn't take it she was alone and we fought cause we were to far apart. I made a choice hoping to end this pain and make our probs go away. I was going to join the air force. Well she dumped me cause of that choice then a day or so later had sex with another guy. I have never been hurt so bad in my whole life. I didnt eat or sleep for days, my performance at work was horrible. All I did was work out and train in the fighting gym in downtown. I drank every night and slept with the most prettiest girls I could find to make my self feel better to fill that void in my heart. I only slept with skinny tall girls with descent size breast most were fake which were in huge supply in SD. I remember one night she told me she was going to a huge party and I was like fuck no please don't and she just toyed with me when she said she was I went to the party outside in front of my house which happened every other day. "I want to say I never partied when I was with her and never cheated or talked to another girl". I went out side said one word to my brother in law "I'm gana get fucked tonight" "He replied one of those nights?" I pounded three or more heinekens took out a clove that tasted of ginger walked up to the hottest blond hair and blue eyed girl grabbed her and made out with her. Latter that night we fucked. It straight up looked like a pro was doing it I got props from the boys the next day. Most girls didnt pass me up cause I was young and had a perfect body. 3 hours every night fighting does that to you. That next day I drove 11 hundred miles to see the girl I loved. I bought her a ring it was her birth stone I never told her. I got her to go to the park with me. I thought for hours before what I had in mind for her. I decided to make the perfect pick nick. I got every thing she liked and put it out very nicely plates blanket every thing. She left during to pick up the guy she was messing around with and drop him off some where she then came back. "You need to understand that I was a tool for her I didnt want to lose her". Anyways she came back and I surprised her with the pick nick. I could tell it touched her heart. Then it all changed I tried to talk to her she wouldnt talk she threw the food around and didnt care. She was so rude to me it broke my heart even more. I was so nervouse to I was shaking I never do that I was so bad I cute my self with the knife. We argued alot on the ride back she took me to mikes and then when I left I said I was sorry dont worry I wont talk to you anymore goodbye amber forever........ I didnt talk to her the rest of the time I spent in oregon I partied alot and met another girl. But she found out I was with another girl not one that I just fucked but one that I wanted for my self. So she started to talk to me again I was very angry about this. Much time after I talked here and there to her but was more interested in my new girl shannon. Amber was trying to get me back in her heart I could tell. She even wanted me to go to AZ to see her. I took the road to move on with my broken heart. I didnt talk to her again just ignored her. Found a girl it failed found another it failed. Then I had a system I would date a girl for a week and out alot mess around alot then never talk to her again. I did this so much that I had to start surfing in lajjoa the next town over cause I messed with to many sisters and friends if you catch what I'm laying down. I moved back to oregon and hate it I am going into the air force to get away from my problems and start a new life. I hope I will be happy in my new life. I will serve at least two tours in Iraq I have no fear of this I am going there to serve my fellow man not my country's politicians. I will be in the line of fire but not to kill to save the lives of my fellow solders. I am a hero at heart and will take my talents to heart.